Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
