id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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