I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
