to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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