so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
