6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize