You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
