I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
