He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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