This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
