After last night, I could never be a politician.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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