he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I touched a dick in church today
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
