dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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