I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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