also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
