It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
