I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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