So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
