I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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