It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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