Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
