After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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