walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize