so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
