When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
