Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
this is an emotional support booty call
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
