I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
