The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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