mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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