i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
