Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
