Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
