Nicole vs. Life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
that is very illegal...i love you.
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