I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize