i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
