he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
