I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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