My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
