I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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