Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oh god it's open bar.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
