i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
