Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
