Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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