dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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