im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
