Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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