The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize