I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
