If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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