I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
