Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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