Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize