Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Fuck appropriateness.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
