Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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