ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
