I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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