Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
