Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
3 2 1 whiskey
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
