"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
