I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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