He told me they were just razor bumps!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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