And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
