So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
