i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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