Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
