my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
People in love make me want to vomit
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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