Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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