I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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