I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
