Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
