And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
