it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
